When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
