Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the condom got lost in my hair
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize