So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
