Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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