There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
