He disabled his match.com account in front of me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He felt like a one man threesome
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
