The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
bring money and cleavage
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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