Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize