your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
