GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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