I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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