yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
