just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
