If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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