i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize