The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
