2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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