She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's never too late to be topless.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
