I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
