why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
