You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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