I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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