I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
