I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I deserve this hangover.
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