literally had 100 drinks last night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
