I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
