you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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