dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
