i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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