Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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