last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
