i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
