I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize