Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
