My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize