I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
this is an emotional support booty call
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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