i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
