I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
