I accidentally had phone sex last night
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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