if i can run in heels then i can drive
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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