wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
