i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
