I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
