We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
