Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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