omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
