I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
