Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
