I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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