haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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