Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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