I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
