I think my fart just growled at me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
