She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
