i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish you could order shots online.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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