So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize