sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
