Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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