I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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