yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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