I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
