Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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