she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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