I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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