She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
