If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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