This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
