hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
