and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
