Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
from now on my penis is your penis
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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